I have sincerely neglected this blog and I am so sorry. So much has happened in my life, I don't even know where to begin to catch you up but here's the fast story:
I'm a travel nurse right now, I went to Phoenix, now I'm in San Francisco through June.
I'm obsessed with a show called The Lizzie Bennet Diaries and it's kind of taken over my life, and I've made some truly amazing, wonderful friends through the show, and even though it just ended, it's still basically the center of my life.
My granddaddy died.
I have discovered I have a chronic disease called Cyclic Vomiting Syndrome. It basically sucks. If any of you remember that time I got super sick at Brandon and Tara's wedding, um, SURPRISE, this is what it was.
I got a tumblr. And sometimes I write really long, deep posts there that people seem to really like. Usually I just reblog pretty gifs of things I like.
I'm still completely obsessed with twitter and you should really follow me there if you want to keep up with me better- @erinwert, @toomucherin for the *really* committed.
I'm thinking of reposting some of my favorite more "real" blog posts from my tumblr here, because I want to have an easier way of pulling them up quickly (tumblr archives are the worst, and I'm the worst and remembering to tag things well), and because I'd like to share them with a wider audience- hahaha, wider audience, as if anyone is still checking my blogspot anymore...
BAM. There are now several of my favorite/meaningful posts from my tumblr below this. Each of them I felt particularly compelled to write, and I've been really humbled by the varying responses to them. I would love if you took the time to read one or all of them.
Thursday, April 18, 2013
CVS
From my tumblr archives (x):
I have CVS. Cyclic Vomiting Syndrome. I just thought it would be helpful to give you guys some vocab so you know what I mean when I'm referring to stuff... if you're interested. If you're not, carry on.
CVS = Cyclic Vomiting Syndrome
Triggers = things that might cause an episode. Multiple of these have to be an place to cause in episode, not just one. They build on each other til they push me past some invisible threshold. My triggers include altered eating and sleeping patterns, traveling, intense excitement, anticipatory excitement, stress, anxiety. Apparently the type of stress and excitement that comes from hiding a huge q&a from all my friends and then finally telling them and having it happen. Among other things.
Prodrome phase = that time when I can tell I'm starting to have an episode but I'm not throwing up yet. I will usually wake up in this phase. I'll feel very hungry because it's time for breakfast and usually the day before I didn't eat quite as much because I just got full fast. But when I go to eat, I feel nauseous. I'm trying to learn how to abort an episode in this phase so I don't progress to a full blown episode.
Abort an episode = get the nausea to stop without throwing up. By taking prescribed meds such as zofran, phenergan, and now ativan.
Vomiting phase = duh, when I start throwing up. Once I start throwing up, there is usually no going back. I've never successfully self-aborted once I start vomiting. Usually I throw up once, fell better briefly, then throw up again in a couple of hours, and at that point never feel better, am very restless, stomach is very tense, and I throw up about every 30 minutes, or every time I try to talk and explain what's going on to people, etc.
Then I go to the ED (ED stands for emergency department, it's the new name for ER), and I get an IV with fluids because I've gotten super dehydrated by not being able to keep anything on my stomach, and I get meds through my IV, mainly the meds I take PO, they just work stronger, faster, better. Then I get completely knocked out for several hours, they wake me up and I'm all groggy but not nauseous and they send me home and I never quite remember how I get there and then I sleep for hours and hours and hours.
Then I have to be super careful how quickly I put food back on my stomach, and have to ease into it with easy/bland foods first, because there's been times where I've felt super better, but eaten something like icecream too fast and caused another episode and had to go back to the hospital. again.
So that's what happens in my body. Yesterday I woke up and immediately knew I was in my prodrome phase, and started doing everything I could to abort it. But after my first line of drugs didn't help, I knew I needed to take my second drugs and those make me drowsy. That's when I passed on the MC role, and that's when I finally started throwing up. I was unable to abort my episode yesterday on my own, and had to go to the ED. good news is that the drugs worked in the ED and I'm in the recovery phase now.
So, I understand exactly what's happening in my body. to a certain extent at least. But I absolutely hate it. I feel like such a pathetic and useless worthless human being when it happens.
Like, if it's because i'm anxious, shouldn't I just be able to say "stop it, stop it body, stop feeling anxious?" Trust me. I've tried. I want to. I think I'm being absolutely ridiculous. In fact, it's usually something that like, I don't *feel * anxious, but yet here we are with a knot in my stomach and I can't take a bite of bouillon broth or water without wanting to throw it back up.
I don't *feel* anxious, I don't feel some uncontrollable intense anxiety that is altering my ability to function as a person. I don't have an anxiety disorder.
And yet my body is doing something completely different. My body is ceasing to function normally and I can do nothing about it. I try to relax, I try to lay down and sleep. But I can't. I get super restless, and I can't lay down, I can't relax, I can't do anything but start to vomit more and more and more frequently.
I feel so out of control and so pathetic when it happens. And every time it happens I'm left with residual fear that it will happen again. I am seriously wondering if I should really go to LeakyCon or VidCon this year, because it's just ripe with triggers. But I also don't want CVS to control my life.
It sucks feeling completely out of control of your body. It sucks.
I know I'm not the only person who's body does things that they can't control, that they hate. Mine manifests in this random, unique way they don't know much about (they think it's connected to migraines, in the pathways in the body, but it's been in the last several years they've even recognized it as a disorder in adults. And I had an adult onset. My first episode was in 2010)
It's easier now that I have a diagnosis, that I can tell them when I go into the ED what is going on, that I can hand them a note that shows I'm not crazy, and they don't have to start with meds that aren't going to help, but can go straight to what I know I need. I know exactly what I need.
But at the same time, I feel out of control, because there comes a point where I no longer can stop the episode. My body is outside of my control. And I absolutely hate that. Especially as a control freak.
Anyway, that is lots of info that you guys probably don't care about, but I know several of my new followers don't know this about me, and it's so much easier when I can just say "sorry guys, CVS".
I have CVS. Cyclic Vomiting Syndrome. I just thought it would be helpful to give you guys some vocab so you know what I mean when I'm referring to stuff... if you're interested. If you're not, carry on.
CVS = Cyclic Vomiting Syndrome
Triggers = things that might cause an episode. Multiple of these have to be an place to cause in episode, not just one. They build on each other til they push me past some invisible threshold. My triggers include altered eating and sleeping patterns, traveling, intense excitement, anticipatory excitement, stress, anxiety. Apparently the type of stress and excitement that comes from hiding a huge q&a from all my friends and then finally telling them and having it happen. Among other things.
Prodrome phase = that time when I can tell I'm starting to have an episode but I'm not throwing up yet. I will usually wake up in this phase. I'll feel very hungry because it's time for breakfast and usually the day before I didn't eat quite as much because I just got full fast. But when I go to eat, I feel nauseous. I'm trying to learn how to abort an episode in this phase so I don't progress to a full blown episode.
Abort an episode = get the nausea to stop without throwing up. By taking prescribed meds such as zofran, phenergan, and now ativan.
Vomiting phase = duh, when I start throwing up. Once I start throwing up, there is usually no going back. I've never successfully self-aborted once I start vomiting. Usually I throw up once, fell better briefly, then throw up again in a couple of hours, and at that point never feel better, am very restless, stomach is very tense, and I throw up about every 30 minutes, or every time I try to talk and explain what's going on to people, etc.
Then I go to the ED (ED stands for emergency department, it's the new name for ER), and I get an IV with fluids because I've gotten super dehydrated by not being able to keep anything on my stomach, and I get meds through my IV, mainly the meds I take PO, they just work stronger, faster, better. Then I get completely knocked out for several hours, they wake me up and I'm all groggy but not nauseous and they send me home and I never quite remember how I get there and then I sleep for hours and hours and hours.
Then I have to be super careful how quickly I put food back on my stomach, and have to ease into it with easy/bland foods first, because there's been times where I've felt super better, but eaten something like icecream too fast and caused another episode and had to go back to the hospital. again.
So that's what happens in my body. Yesterday I woke up and immediately knew I was in my prodrome phase, and started doing everything I could to abort it. But after my first line of drugs didn't help, I knew I needed to take my second drugs and those make me drowsy. That's when I passed on the MC role, and that's when I finally started throwing up. I was unable to abort my episode yesterday on my own, and had to go to the ED. good news is that the drugs worked in the ED and I'm in the recovery phase now.
So, I understand exactly what's happening in my body. to a certain extent at least. But I absolutely hate it. I feel like such a pathetic and useless worthless human being when it happens.
Like, if it's because i'm anxious, shouldn't I just be able to say "stop it, stop it body, stop feeling anxious?" Trust me. I've tried. I want to. I think I'm being absolutely ridiculous. In fact, it's usually something that like, I don't *feel * anxious, but yet here we are with a knot in my stomach and I can't take a bite of bouillon broth or water without wanting to throw it back up.
I don't *feel* anxious, I don't feel some uncontrollable intense anxiety that is altering my ability to function as a person. I don't have an anxiety disorder.
And yet my body is doing something completely different. My body is ceasing to function normally and I can do nothing about it. I try to relax, I try to lay down and sleep. But I can't. I get super restless, and I can't lay down, I can't relax, I can't do anything but start to vomit more and more and more frequently.
I feel so out of control and so pathetic when it happens. And every time it happens I'm left with residual fear that it will happen again. I am seriously wondering if I should really go to LeakyCon or VidCon this year, because it's just ripe with triggers. But I also don't want CVS to control my life.
It sucks feeling completely out of control of your body. It sucks.
I know I'm not the only person who's body does things that they can't control, that they hate. Mine manifests in this random, unique way they don't know much about (they think it's connected to migraines, in the pathways in the body, but it's been in the last several years they've even recognized it as a disorder in adults. And I had an adult onset. My first episode was in 2010)
It's easier now that I have a diagnosis, that I can tell them when I go into the ED what is going on, that I can hand them a note that shows I'm not crazy, and they don't have to start with meds that aren't going to help, but can go straight to what I know I need. I know exactly what I need.
But at the same time, I feel out of control, because there comes a point where I no longer can stop the episode. My body is outside of my control. And I absolutely hate that. Especially as a control freak.
Anyway, that is lots of info that you guys probably don't care about, but I know several of my new followers don't know this about me, and it's so much easier when I can just say "sorry guys, CVS".
Dear Lydia
From my tumblr archives, to Lydia Bennet, of the Lizzie Bennet Diaries, after things go poorly with George Wickham (x):
My dear Lydia,
I hate that I'm having to write you a letter instead of having this conversation face to face. I want nothing more than to be able to rush to your side and laugh and cry and hug and just be there with you and for you. But unfortunately circumstances are such that I can't be there with you, so this letter will have to serve in my absence.
I don't even know how to start. I can't believe that George did this to you, I can't believe that anyone would do this to anyone, and I don't want to believe anyone would do it to you. I wish that friends could protect friends from all the hurts and pains in the world. I wish that I could make it so this had never happened.
I know that you've been afraid to love and let people love you, Lydia. It's a scary and frightening and vulnerable thing, and I know that things with your sisters and things with other people in your life hasn't always encouraged you to feel safe to open up. But I watched your vlogs with George, and I want you to know something... I'm so proud of you. I'm so proud and blown away with your courage and strength to be honest and real with yourself and with someone else. I saw the Lydia that I've always known is there. A Lydia who I've seen before, every now and then when you let down your guard, who loves and cares deeply. The Lydia who cheers up a little boy who's feeling left out from his brothers, the Lydia who rushes in to cheer up her sister when her best friend leaves. You have such a lovely, sweet heart, and you so often keep it hidden.
There's something that I want you to know, that I need you to know Lydia. A truth that I feel compelled to impress upon you. A truth that you may not believe right now but a truth I hope you come to see brightly and clearly, that you can hold on to tightly.
The only person at fault in the situation with you and George was George. You did nothing wrong. Nothing. Do you hear me, Lydia? If I was there right now, I would make you say it out loud, but I'll just have to trust you're reading and you're listening. You did nothing wrong.
You opened yourself up and you let yourself love someone, and let someone love you, all of you, even the parts of you you were scared to show anyone. That is not wrong. That is brave. That is amazing. That is the scariest thing that we can do as humans, and you did that. It's beautiful and wonderful and I am so so proud of you.
You did nothing wrong. It is not your fault that George decided to take advantage of that. It is not your fault that George was not as brave as you, as courageous as you.
George is a coward, and a fool. He could have had your love, and instead he chose to run away and try to manipulate your love into some sort of sick joke. That's on him.
I wish that he hadn't been. I wish that he had been willing to brave the greatest and scariest journey a human can go on- the journey of learning to love and be loved- fully, openly, completely. I wish that the same way I wish everyone would be willing to go on that journey.
Also, Lydia, maybe more importantly, most importantly.... you aren't just good enough for George. You are definitely MORE than good enough for George. And you are more than good enough for my love, for so many people's loves. In fact, you don't even HAVE to be good enough. That's not the point. I hope you know that's not the point. That's not how love works. I don't love you because you meet some sort of standards. I hope you don't love me because I meet some set of standards- because I will always let you down, and you will always let me down. I don't love you because of any set guidelines you've met, I love you because. Because I do. Because I've decided to. I will always love you, I will never stop loving you, no matter what you do. I love you. Period. Full stop. End.
There are some unique things about you that I value, and I want to remind you of those... you are a beautiful and wonderfully spirited friend. You have a glowing energy that always brightens my day, you can always make me laugh and smile. You have a sweet, tender heart. You truly care about other people, and you would do anything for the people you love. You remind me that I need to loosen up and relax sometimes. You remind me not to take myself too seriously. You have a contagious spirit and a contagious heart full of love.
I know you might not feel it right now, but I know you're going to come out of this even stronger and more beautiful than you already are. And that's saying something, because you're already incredibly strong and beautiful.
But know that it's okay to be sad. It's okay to be upset, and it's okay to miss George. Or to be mad at him. Or to feel however you want to feel, however you need to feel. In fact you might feel a lot of conflicting feelings all at the same time. That's okay. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise. He meant something to you, and that is a good thing. It's never bad to love another person. And it's always painful to have that love end, however it does. You are missing what was, and what could have been. And it's okay to miss that. You're mad about what he threw away, about the confidences he broke, and you should be.
Feel whatever you need to feel, Lydia, and don't be afraid to open up to the people around you. So many people love you. I love you. I wish I could be there with you now. I hope you know that whatever you need, I am always here for you however I can be. I'm here to listen, I'm here to distract, I'm here for whatever you need.
I can't wait to see you again. I can't wait to see where you go from here. I know you're going places, and I know you'll always cause a stir ;) There is truly no one like you, and there would be such a huge hole in my life without you as a part of it. I feel so fortunate to have met you, to have gotten to know you. I am so thankful for our friendship.
Love you always,
Erin
My dear Lydia,
I hate that I'm having to write you a letter instead of having this conversation face to face. I want nothing more than to be able to rush to your side and laugh and cry and hug and just be there with you and for you. But unfortunately circumstances are such that I can't be there with you, so this letter will have to serve in my absence.
I don't even know how to start. I can't believe that George did this to you, I can't believe that anyone would do this to anyone, and I don't want to believe anyone would do it to you. I wish that friends could protect friends from all the hurts and pains in the world. I wish that I could make it so this had never happened.
I know that you've been afraid to love and let people love you, Lydia. It's a scary and frightening and vulnerable thing, and I know that things with your sisters and things with other people in your life hasn't always encouraged you to feel safe to open up. But I watched your vlogs with George, and I want you to know something... I'm so proud of you. I'm so proud and blown away with your courage and strength to be honest and real with yourself and with someone else. I saw the Lydia that I've always known is there. A Lydia who I've seen before, every now and then when you let down your guard, who loves and cares deeply. The Lydia who cheers up a little boy who's feeling left out from his brothers, the Lydia who rushes in to cheer up her sister when her best friend leaves. You have such a lovely, sweet heart, and you so often keep it hidden.
There's something that I want you to know, that I need you to know Lydia. A truth that I feel compelled to impress upon you. A truth that you may not believe right now but a truth I hope you come to see brightly and clearly, that you can hold on to tightly.
The only person at fault in the situation with you and George was George. You did nothing wrong. Nothing. Do you hear me, Lydia? If I was there right now, I would make you say it out loud, but I'll just have to trust you're reading and you're listening. You did nothing wrong.
You opened yourself up and you let yourself love someone, and let someone love you, all of you, even the parts of you you were scared to show anyone. That is not wrong. That is brave. That is amazing. That is the scariest thing that we can do as humans, and you did that. It's beautiful and wonderful and I am so so proud of you.
You did nothing wrong. It is not your fault that George decided to take advantage of that. It is not your fault that George was not as brave as you, as courageous as you.
George is a coward, and a fool. He could have had your love, and instead he chose to run away and try to manipulate your love into some sort of sick joke. That's on him.
I wish that he hadn't been. I wish that he had been willing to brave the greatest and scariest journey a human can go on- the journey of learning to love and be loved- fully, openly, completely. I wish that the same way I wish everyone would be willing to go on that journey.
Also, Lydia, maybe more importantly, most importantly.... you aren't just good enough for George. You are definitely MORE than good enough for George. And you are more than good enough for my love, for so many people's loves. In fact, you don't even HAVE to be good enough. That's not the point. I hope you know that's not the point. That's not how love works. I don't love you because you meet some sort of standards. I hope you don't love me because I meet some set of standards- because I will always let you down, and you will always let me down. I don't love you because of any set guidelines you've met, I love you because. Because I do. Because I've decided to. I will always love you, I will never stop loving you, no matter what you do. I love you. Period. Full stop. End.
There are some unique things about you that I value, and I want to remind you of those... you are a beautiful and wonderfully spirited friend. You have a glowing energy that always brightens my day, you can always make me laugh and smile. You have a sweet, tender heart. You truly care about other people, and you would do anything for the people you love. You remind me that I need to loosen up and relax sometimes. You remind me not to take myself too seriously. You have a contagious spirit and a contagious heart full of love.
I know you might not feel it right now, but I know you're going to come out of this even stronger and more beautiful than you already are. And that's saying something, because you're already incredibly strong and beautiful.
But know that it's okay to be sad. It's okay to be upset, and it's okay to miss George. Or to be mad at him. Or to feel however you want to feel, however you need to feel. In fact you might feel a lot of conflicting feelings all at the same time. That's okay. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise. He meant something to you, and that is a good thing. It's never bad to love another person. And it's always painful to have that love end, however it does. You are missing what was, and what could have been. And it's okay to miss that. You're mad about what he threw away, about the confidences he broke, and you should be.
Feel whatever you need to feel, Lydia, and don't be afraid to open up to the people around you. So many people love you. I love you. I wish I could be there with you now. I hope you know that whatever you need, I am always here for you however I can be. I'm here to listen, I'm here to distract, I'm here for whatever you need.
I can't wait to see you again. I can't wait to see where you go from here. I know you're going places, and I know you'll always cause a stir ;) There is truly no one like you, and there would be such a huge hole in my life without you as a part of it. I feel so fortunate to have met you, to have gotten to know you. I am so thankful for our friendship.
Love you always,
Erin
The full weight of justice
From my tumblr archives (x):
So I woke up today at 4pm PDT with a text from a friend who knows I'm night shift warning me that my twitter feed would be crazy tonight, that there had been bombings in Boston, and there was a lot of confusion/misinformation throughout the day, and people were still trying to figure out what happened/why.
Which immediately sent me into a brief moment of panic because I knew my sister was somewhere in the Boston area right now for work, but I wasn't quite sure where. Luckily I got text responses very quickly from my parents and her assuring me she was fine. She's actually about an hour outside of Boston right now.
Once I was able to move past the "is my family safe" and take in the rest of the information.... well, it's kind of sad when I think "oh, only two people are dead, okay, that's not so bad", but it's true, that was my thought. And it's absolutely true that while this shocks us in America, because we think things like this shouldn't happen here, this is a *daily* concern and worry in many other countries even as I type this.
I got online, I read a brief overview article of what has happened, what we do know, what we still don't know. And then I ran across a quote from Obama...
"Any responsible individuals, any responsible groups, will feel the full weight of justice"
And all I could think is what an empty promise that is. We don't know, we don't know that we'll know who is responsible, that we can really bring them to justice. We say nice things like this after tragedy to try and bring hope and peace and assurance to families and victims and those angered and upset. But we don't know. After 9/11.... have we brought the weight of justice to all those responsible? Isn't that attitude even why we're in wars that so many wish we weren't? And yet, after tragedy, we still promise the same thing over and over...
So reading that, for a moment I just got so tired, so weary of human responses to tragedy. Because it holds no weight. Obama can't promise us Justice.
But then I remembered, I remembered that I do have not only hope, but assurance of Justice. I get to cry out for Justice, and I know, I KNOW that I will get it.
Our God is a Just God. He cries out for justice with me, he looks on tragedy and he is also angered, he is also mourning. He looks at all the hurt and brokenness in the world, and he isn't unmoved.
It matters so much to him, he is so moved by it... that he sent Jesus to die on a cross to redeem it, to redeem us.
The cross is so beautiful, is so marvelous, is so scandalous because mercy and justice meet. God says I am Just and sin can NOT win, brokenness and evil will not win, and punishment must be exacted, and he laid all of that on Christ.
God's mercy is great, God's mercy is wonderful. But sometimes we don't want mercy, do we? We WANT Justice. We want people who have done bad things to get what is coming to them, we want Good to Win. We want bad people to get bad things and good people to get good things. (of course, there is no clear line between good and bad people but that's another story).
The gospel is that we don't have to choose. We don't have to let go of our need to see justice in this world just because we are embracing the overwhelming mercy and grace of God in our own lives.
We don't have to choose. Because the cross means Justice and Mercy. The cross means that both exist in perfect unity. The cross means that our God loves Justice. And he loves Mercy. And we get them both.
I'm sharing this because I think in times like this, sometimes it is nice to have the reminder that this too shall be made right. Everything will be made right.
We get justice.
We get to be angry.
Our God is also angry.
He's so angry that he made it his own personal problem.
That's powerful. That's the gospel. And I will never stop being in love with it.
So I woke up today at 4pm PDT with a text from a friend who knows I'm night shift warning me that my twitter feed would be crazy tonight, that there had been bombings in Boston, and there was a lot of confusion/misinformation throughout the day, and people were still trying to figure out what happened/why.
Which immediately sent me into a brief moment of panic because I knew my sister was somewhere in the Boston area right now for work, but I wasn't quite sure where. Luckily I got text responses very quickly from my parents and her assuring me she was fine. She's actually about an hour outside of Boston right now.
Once I was able to move past the "is my family safe" and take in the rest of the information.... well, it's kind of sad when I think "oh, only two people are dead, okay, that's not so bad", but it's true, that was my thought. And it's absolutely true that while this shocks us in America, because we think things like this shouldn't happen here, this is a *daily* concern and worry in many other countries even as I type this.
I got online, I read a brief overview article of what has happened, what we do know, what we still don't know. And then I ran across a quote from Obama...
"Any responsible individuals, any responsible groups, will feel the full weight of justice"
And all I could think is what an empty promise that is. We don't know, we don't know that we'll know who is responsible, that we can really bring them to justice. We say nice things like this after tragedy to try and bring hope and peace and assurance to families and victims and those angered and upset. But we don't know. After 9/11.... have we brought the weight of justice to all those responsible? Isn't that attitude even why we're in wars that so many wish we weren't? And yet, after tragedy, we still promise the same thing over and over...
So reading that, for a moment I just got so tired, so weary of human responses to tragedy. Because it holds no weight. Obama can't promise us Justice.
But then I remembered, I remembered that I do have not only hope, but assurance of Justice. I get to cry out for Justice, and I know, I KNOW that I will get it.
Our God is a Just God. He cries out for justice with me, he looks on tragedy and he is also angered, he is also mourning. He looks at all the hurt and brokenness in the world, and he isn't unmoved.
It matters so much to him, he is so moved by it... that he sent Jesus to die on a cross to redeem it, to redeem us.
The cross is so beautiful, is so marvelous, is so scandalous because mercy and justice meet. God says I am Just and sin can NOT win, brokenness and evil will not win, and punishment must be exacted, and he laid all of that on Christ.
God's mercy is great, God's mercy is wonderful. But sometimes we don't want mercy, do we? We WANT Justice. We want people who have done bad things to get what is coming to them, we want Good to Win. We want bad people to get bad things and good people to get good things. (of course, there is no clear line between good and bad people but that's another story).
The gospel is that we don't have to choose. We don't have to let go of our need to see justice in this world just because we are embracing the overwhelming mercy and grace of God in our own lives.
We don't have to choose. Because the cross means Justice and Mercy. The cross means that both exist in perfect unity. The cross means that our God loves Justice. And he loves Mercy. And we get them both.
I'm sharing this because I think in times like this, sometimes it is nice to have the reminder that this too shall be made right. Everything will be made right.
We get justice.
We get to be angry.
Our God is also angry.
He's so angry that he made it his own personal problem.
That's powerful. That's the gospel. And I will never stop being in love with it.
Granddaddy
From my tumblr archives (x):
I am sitting here in my apartment 1800 miles away from the rest of my family as I'm trying to somehow process the news that Granddaddy, my sweet, lovely, wonderful granddaddy, has died. This is my first grandparent to die, which I realize as a 24-year-old, means that I am in fact a very lucky person. This is also the farthest away I have ever been from my family, and the first Christmas I has ever spent not with family, and not seeing him. Which is just laughably heartbreaking. Because of course. Of course.
But I don't want to dwell on all my "woulda shoulda coulda" thoughts. We always wish we had more time, we always regret we didn't call one more time (why didn't I call one more time??) There is never enough time for goodbye because there should never have to be a goodbye to begin with.
And I admit I've grown spoiled, because I swear to you, this man just would not die. I can't tell you how many times this man should have died. Back when he had a whipple surgery over 10 years ago. Back when he got diagnosed with Leukemia the first time, back when he got the SECOND TYPE of Leukemia. Back when he had to have emergency abdominal surgery because scar tissue had occluded his intestines while he was in the middle of chemo treatments. When he spent months in the hospital getting severe chemo for a cancer that should have killed him years ago. This man just kept going. I think I kind of became convinced that nothing would kill him, that he would just continue to conquer everything his body threw at him. You can't say Granddaddy wasn't Strong. That he wasn't a Fighter. And no one knew better than Granddaddy that he had more time than he deserved, more than he was owed, that every day he had was a glorious blessing. If you ever sat down with him, he would be sure to tell you that he had been blessed more than he ever dared dream, that his life was more full and beautiful than he ever imagined it could be.
I wish you could meet my Granddady. I really wish you could. Because he was just incredible.
Granddaddy was born on 10-20-30. He loved that. He loved math and numbers, and he would always pull out fun patterns for us. Every year without fail my birthday card would tell me why this year was interesting mathematically. I wonder what he would say about 1-16-13.
He taught math for many years at Georgia State. Before that he attended Georgia Tech and met and fell in love with my grandmother, and older woman while he was in college in downtown Atlanta in the late 40s/early 50s. Even though his parents didn't like the idea of him marrying a woman 4 years his elder, he did, and love her well he did, too.
Jan and Bobby. It's funny, because their names were flopped, and it worked perfectly. Except one always had to clarify, my grandDADDY Jan; Bobby, my grandMOTHER.
Granddaddy. He loved learning, he had a curious spirit that never died. And he loved teaching. Teaching someone else to see something beautiful and exciting and clever in the world. If he sat you down to go over a math problem with you, there would be glee in his eyes. If you asked him how a kaleidoscope worked, he would tell you in a way that made you want to listen, in a way that made you want to find out more. That's why he was such a good teacher.
He didn't teach forever. At some point he and my grandmother decided that he might retire and instead open a Bed and Breakfast. The Veranda, in Senoia, GA. A quaint lovely perfect little B&B. He and Bobby made the perfect pair to run the inn. He was an ideal entertainer, telling stories, doing (mathematical) tricks, handling the books, while my grandmother cooked 3 full meals a day. It was an interesting idea of retirement that's to be sure. And this is the stage of life that I most remember my grandparents from. The days when they lived in a magical place where I could go visit with my cousins and play with the huge doll house in the downstairs guest room, or dance down the long hallway, or get as much fountain soda as we wanted from the back hall! Granddaddy taught me how to turn down a bed, and how to serve others.
And then, of course, to retire from those long-houred days running the Veranda, they decided to open a Kaleidoscope Shop in Atlanta, to be closer to family, and have less hours. In their late 70s/80s. They opened a store. A shop full of wonder and beauty. If you went in the shop, you could get lost, and there was nothing more that my grandparents wanted than to have people stop and wonder at something beautiful.
He still sang in the church choir, he still would walk a mile every day with his wife around his neighborhood. He would always ask how you were doing never let the conversation stay on him for too long. He had just bought a mountain property for the family to share in the GA mountains. One of the last times I talked to him, he was up in the mountains with Grandmother just having a grand time, he said, they couldn't wait to come up to the new house with me, to have me see it, to share it with me.
This man never stopped living. He never said I've lived enough, I've done enough, I guess I can sit back and relax and wait to die now. His days were full. They moved into a house surrounded by trees when they moved back to Atlanta because his wife loved the birds. It was their real life tree house with big windows and they would sit on the back porch and listen to the birds and point out to me which was which.
His heart was so big. I don't think he ever met anyone he didn't love. He and my grandmother have a talent for loving people that many others don't. He taught me that everyone can and should be loved.
His heart was for the Lord. In a beautiful and wonderful way. He never stopped praising God for his goodness. He never stopped thanking God for each and every day. He was in the hospital, he was getting chemo, and he was thanking God.
He was acutely aware of the fact that he had gotten more days than he deserved. That time and again God had decided to let his heart keep on beating even when all reason said it should have stopped. And he figured if that was the case, he would keep enjoying each day.
But he was ready to go home, too. How could you not be? How can a part of your soul not always ache to return to your creator, to be restored, to finally be in the Glory of the Lord, redeemed by the blood of Christ, your body whole again.
I want to laugh with glee at the thought that Granddaddy's body is whole and complete again. That he can run and laugh and dance without growing weak or tired anymore. Because these past several years as he's gotten weaker, I know it was hard on his spirit.
But my heart is breaking, my heart is broken because why do I have to be removed from him, why does he have to be removed from me, why do I have to carry on for the majority of my life without him in mine? Why does he not get to witness my life live out, why can no one ever meet this man again? This man who I feel like every person should have known. This man who I can't even begin to describe in a post, no matter how long or short. How can I even begin to pretend that I can sum him up in one post? How can I even delude myself to think I knew half of the man he was?
But he was a wonderful man. Giving, loving, supportive. He was so proud of me. Every time I would visit him, he'd tell me he'd been bragging to all his nurses about his granddaughter the nurse.
Last christmas my aunt had the idea for all of us to write down some trait we felt we had learned from Grandmother or Granddaddy and put them all on a tree, to show all the ways they had a living family tree, a living testament of their life. Or something, she phrased it much nicer than I can right now today. I had a really hard time picking just one word. In fact, in the end, I think I wrote three. I still have the list on my phone trying to decide what to write. It's a long list, a beautiful list, a list that I hope I could have half the things one day written about me.
Except I selfishly wish it had been longer, I selfishly wish that I could have been there, I selfishly wish I could have called him one last time to say I love you, I love you so much, you are so amazing to me, you are so wonderful to me, I am so impressed by you, I am so awed by you, you are a type of man we should all wish to be, you love people so wonderfully, you love the lord so dearly, your heart is so big and tender and open and true. Of course, he wouldn't have let me say any of that even if I had wanted to, he would have tried to spend all the time telling me how much he loved me, how proud he was of me, how excited he was for my new traveling adventures, and how blessed he felt to have gotten the time he had.
Honestly, honestly, the hardest part in this, the thing that makes me start crying all over again the most, is that I can't imagine a world with Grandmother and no Granddaddy. They have been a perfect unit for so many years. Granddaddy was amazing, but so is Grandmother, and the two of them together... God used them so well, so wonderfully. I hope I can one day have a marriage half as beautiful as theirs, half as glorifying as theirs. It doesn't seem right that one should go while the other must stay. I don't understand a world where I will go see my grandmother and there will be no Granddaddy beside her.
I've lost one of my fiercest prayer warriors, one of the most amazing men in my life, but I am rejoicing because he is with our Savoir. And I am crying because life was not meant for this. My soul was not meant for this separation and it is crying out, aching, longing for the renewed world where there is no death, no sickness, no crying, but rejoicing and singing and laughing and running through fields and being in the glory of the Lord. Whatever the heck that means.
Granddaddy, I'm so jealous you know.
Granddaddy, I'm so sad you're gone.
Granddaddy, I can't wait to join you there one day, forever.
I am sitting here in my apartment 1800 miles away from the rest of my family as I'm trying to somehow process the news that Granddaddy, my sweet, lovely, wonderful granddaddy, has died. This is my first grandparent to die, which I realize as a 24-year-old, means that I am in fact a very lucky person. This is also the farthest away I have ever been from my family, and the first Christmas I has ever spent not with family, and not seeing him. Which is just laughably heartbreaking. Because of course. Of course.
But I don't want to dwell on all my "woulda shoulda coulda" thoughts. We always wish we had more time, we always regret we didn't call one more time (why didn't I call one more time??) There is never enough time for goodbye because there should never have to be a goodbye to begin with.
And I admit I've grown spoiled, because I swear to you, this man just would not die. I can't tell you how many times this man should have died. Back when he had a whipple surgery over 10 years ago. Back when he got diagnosed with Leukemia the first time, back when he got the SECOND TYPE of Leukemia. Back when he had to have emergency abdominal surgery because scar tissue had occluded his intestines while he was in the middle of chemo treatments. When he spent months in the hospital getting severe chemo for a cancer that should have killed him years ago. This man just kept going. I think I kind of became convinced that nothing would kill him, that he would just continue to conquer everything his body threw at him. You can't say Granddaddy wasn't Strong. That he wasn't a Fighter. And no one knew better than Granddaddy that he had more time than he deserved, more than he was owed, that every day he had was a glorious blessing. If you ever sat down with him, he would be sure to tell you that he had been blessed more than he ever dared dream, that his life was more full and beautiful than he ever imagined it could be.
I wish you could meet my Granddady. I really wish you could. Because he was just incredible.
Granddaddy was born on 10-20-30. He loved that. He loved math and numbers, and he would always pull out fun patterns for us. Every year without fail my birthday card would tell me why this year was interesting mathematically. I wonder what he would say about 1-16-13.
He taught math for many years at Georgia State. Before that he attended Georgia Tech and met and fell in love with my grandmother, and older woman while he was in college in downtown Atlanta in the late 40s/early 50s. Even though his parents didn't like the idea of him marrying a woman 4 years his elder, he did, and love her well he did, too.
Jan and Bobby. It's funny, because their names were flopped, and it worked perfectly. Except one always had to clarify, my grandDADDY Jan; Bobby, my grandMOTHER.
Granddaddy. He loved learning, he had a curious spirit that never died. And he loved teaching. Teaching someone else to see something beautiful and exciting and clever in the world. If he sat you down to go over a math problem with you, there would be glee in his eyes. If you asked him how a kaleidoscope worked, he would tell you in a way that made you want to listen, in a way that made you want to find out more. That's why he was such a good teacher.
He didn't teach forever. At some point he and my grandmother decided that he might retire and instead open a Bed and Breakfast. The Veranda, in Senoia, GA. A quaint lovely perfect little B&B. He and Bobby made the perfect pair to run the inn. He was an ideal entertainer, telling stories, doing (mathematical) tricks, handling the books, while my grandmother cooked 3 full meals a day. It was an interesting idea of retirement that's to be sure. And this is the stage of life that I most remember my grandparents from. The days when they lived in a magical place where I could go visit with my cousins and play with the huge doll house in the downstairs guest room, or dance down the long hallway, or get as much fountain soda as we wanted from the back hall! Granddaddy taught me how to turn down a bed, and how to serve others.
And then, of course, to retire from those long-houred days running the Veranda, they decided to open a Kaleidoscope Shop in Atlanta, to be closer to family, and have less hours. In their late 70s/80s. They opened a store. A shop full of wonder and beauty. If you went in the shop, you could get lost, and there was nothing more that my grandparents wanted than to have people stop and wonder at something beautiful.
He still sang in the church choir, he still would walk a mile every day with his wife around his neighborhood. He would always ask how you were doing never let the conversation stay on him for too long. He had just bought a mountain property for the family to share in the GA mountains. One of the last times I talked to him, he was up in the mountains with Grandmother just having a grand time, he said, they couldn't wait to come up to the new house with me, to have me see it, to share it with me.
This man never stopped living. He never said I've lived enough, I've done enough, I guess I can sit back and relax and wait to die now. His days were full. They moved into a house surrounded by trees when they moved back to Atlanta because his wife loved the birds. It was their real life tree house with big windows and they would sit on the back porch and listen to the birds and point out to me which was which.
His heart was so big. I don't think he ever met anyone he didn't love. He and my grandmother have a talent for loving people that many others don't. He taught me that everyone can and should be loved.
His heart was for the Lord. In a beautiful and wonderful way. He never stopped praising God for his goodness. He never stopped thanking God for each and every day. He was in the hospital, he was getting chemo, and he was thanking God.
He was acutely aware of the fact that he had gotten more days than he deserved. That time and again God had decided to let his heart keep on beating even when all reason said it should have stopped. And he figured if that was the case, he would keep enjoying each day.
But he was ready to go home, too. How could you not be? How can a part of your soul not always ache to return to your creator, to be restored, to finally be in the Glory of the Lord, redeemed by the blood of Christ, your body whole again.
I want to laugh with glee at the thought that Granddaddy's body is whole and complete again. That he can run and laugh and dance without growing weak or tired anymore. Because these past several years as he's gotten weaker, I know it was hard on his spirit.
But my heart is breaking, my heart is broken because why do I have to be removed from him, why does he have to be removed from me, why do I have to carry on for the majority of my life without him in mine? Why does he not get to witness my life live out, why can no one ever meet this man again? This man who I feel like every person should have known. This man who I can't even begin to describe in a post, no matter how long or short. How can I even begin to pretend that I can sum him up in one post? How can I even delude myself to think I knew half of the man he was?
But he was a wonderful man. Giving, loving, supportive. He was so proud of me. Every time I would visit him, he'd tell me he'd been bragging to all his nurses about his granddaughter the nurse.
Last christmas my aunt had the idea for all of us to write down some trait we felt we had learned from Grandmother or Granddaddy and put them all on a tree, to show all the ways they had a living family tree, a living testament of their life. Or something, she phrased it much nicer than I can right now today. I had a really hard time picking just one word. In fact, in the end, I think I wrote three. I still have the list on my phone trying to decide what to write. It's a long list, a beautiful list, a list that I hope I could have half the things one day written about me.
- Joy
- Tender
- Courage
- Curiosity
- Steadfast
- Faith
- Hospitality
- Service
- Sharing
- Openness
- Inquisitive
- Diligence
Except I selfishly wish it had been longer, I selfishly wish that I could have been there, I selfishly wish I could have called him one last time to say I love you, I love you so much, you are so amazing to me, you are so wonderful to me, I am so impressed by you, I am so awed by you, you are a type of man we should all wish to be, you love people so wonderfully, you love the lord so dearly, your heart is so big and tender and open and true. Of course, he wouldn't have let me say any of that even if I had wanted to, he would have tried to spend all the time telling me how much he loved me, how proud he was of me, how excited he was for my new traveling adventures, and how blessed he felt to have gotten the time he had.
Honestly, honestly, the hardest part in this, the thing that makes me start crying all over again the most, is that I can't imagine a world with Grandmother and no Granddaddy. They have been a perfect unit for so many years. Granddaddy was amazing, but so is Grandmother, and the two of them together... God used them so well, so wonderfully. I hope I can one day have a marriage half as beautiful as theirs, half as glorifying as theirs. It doesn't seem right that one should go while the other must stay. I don't understand a world where I will go see my grandmother and there will be no Granddaddy beside her.
I've lost one of my fiercest prayer warriors, one of the most amazing men in my life, but I am rejoicing because he is with our Savoir. And I am crying because life was not meant for this. My soul was not meant for this separation and it is crying out, aching, longing for the renewed world where there is no death, no sickness, no crying, but rejoicing and singing and laughing and running through fields and being in the glory of the Lord. Whatever the heck that means.
Granddaddy, I'm so jealous you know.
Granddaddy, I'm so sad you're gone.
Granddaddy, I can't wait to join you there one day, forever.
why i don’t support homosexuality, but do support gay marriage
From my tumblr archives (x):
I have something to say. Something that I have been formulating in my mind for a long time, and something that needs to be said.
I support Gay Marriage. I support the right for two homosexual men or women to receive legal rights because of their commitment to one another to be a family, and to publicly announce their love and commitment to the other.
I also believe homosexuality is a sin.
To my gay, lesbian, transexual friends, and strong supporters:
Please understand and respect that I don't personally support this lifestyle. I genuinely believe a homosexual lifestyle- that is one spent in a romantic relationship with someone of the same gender- is not a way God originally designed us. I believe in the Garden of Eden, before sin was introduced into our world and into our nature, there was no homosexuality. I believe that after the fall, homosexuality, along with thousands, millions (who's keeping count?) of sins, was introduced. I believe it is a warped, perverted part of our nature and of our sexuality. In the same way that I think anyone who sleeps with multiple partners outside of a committed marriage, has a polygamous marriage (and yes, I'm aware people in the bible did this, and God frowned upon it), etc. is experiencing a perverted version of sexuality. I use perverted in it's traditional definition "having been distorted from it's original course". In the same way that everything has been distorted after the fall, our sexuality has been, too. I also believe our sexual distortion is no different than any of our other distortions. Our world has a perverted or distorted idea of beauty and worth. Our world has a perverted or distorted view of success and happiness. Sin is sin, and God views it all the same.
I need you to respect and honor my right to hold this belief. But also know that I understand this is not a belief that you should be expected to hold; it's a belief and a practice that can only be carried out if you feel the conviction to submit to my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, and accept His gospel and Word as truth. And if you don't accept that, then his priority is not your sexual actions; it's your heart and eternal soul he's after. He will address all your sins, including your sexual ones, in his timing. You don't have to feel the conviction to change that behavior to become a Christian, just like I didn't have to feel the conviction to stop gossiping, or to stop having a short temper, or to stop thinking of myself more than others to become a Christian; they are all things that God is slowly working on in my heart in his good timing.
Please understand that me calling your lifestyle choice a sin is not an insult, a slam, a way for me to look down on you with disdain; I look at you no differently than I look at myself- someone deeply in need of the Grace and Love of Christ. I also have a nature and a life full of sin. It might seem insulting to you to call something a sin, but for me it is liberating; I feel free to name my sins because I know they are all forgiven in the Cross. And I know it doesn't feel like a sin, but simply a part of your nature. My pride, temper, and selfishness are also a part of my nature. My sinful nature, and God is doing his best to rid me of them as I desperately cling on (to them, and to Him).
While I believe your homosexuality is a sin, I don't necessarily believe it's God's first priority to fix that sin. God is dealing with a slew of broken vessels. And the beautiful thing about him is that his grace still works in and through these broken vessels. And, ultimately, Christ covers ALL sins, even the ones we may not recognize, as long as we recognize our need for Christ.
To my Christian friends:
It's time to accept something. We cannot, do not, must not try to control the state of the world. We cannot force a moral code or view onto others. We are not called to force the world to be "right", we are called to love others, and to share the gospel. What you are doing by denying homosexuals the right to marry is trying to force the country under a law that only supports the moral code recognized by (the majority of) Christians. But we are not a Christian country. We are a free country. Yes, our founding fathers were Christians- running from a country restricting their freedom to practice as they believed was right. Our constitution is not Christian. It supports freedom- yours to live and practice Christianity and your Christian beliefs, and every other religion or non-religion to practice theirs.
Also, homosexuality, particularly homosexuals in a committed, loving relationship and wanting to publicly declare that sentiment to the world, is NOT our biggest threat or enemy. If we were going to rank sins by gravity (which we really shouldn't, because all are equal in the eyes of the Lord), this is much more of a surface sin. At least this retains some glimmer of the image of God (relational, loving), even if it is a distorted one (man is not good alone, man and woman together complete the image of God, not man and man or woman and woman). There are many "worse" sins that retain little to no essence of the image of God- murder, abusing people physically and verbally, Sadism, etc.
The real issue you are afraid of is the loss of understanding, respect, and honor to sexuality in our society. The real "war" we need to be fighting is the lie that "Sex doesn't matter", "Sex doesn't mean anything", "It's just sex", etc. This is the root of many deeper, worse problems in our society. (This is not a new sin, it's all over the bible, as is homosexuality; our world, contrary to popular belief, is not "worse" than it once was; we have always been a bunch of sinners surviving and learning to live in the grace of God, and slowly being change to be more like Him.) Homosexuality is just a symptom, a side or surface fruit of much deeper problem. Sexuality has been perverted, yes, but denying gay marriage is not going to change that. It's not going to somehow "save" the country or our world. In fact, denying gay marriage is going to do nothing positive.
Let's review what it will do:
- Allow many people to live under the false presumption that things are okay, that they fixed/solved/stopped some solvable problem, when it really runs deep in ALL of us and manifests itself in many different way (we are all living a perverted life in some way, and we all need the cleansing blood of Christ and the power of the Spirit to change us)
- Allow people to live under the false idea that they have some control over the world and sin. Spoilers: we don't.
- Continue to show a face of hatred to many people deeply needing the love of Christ in their life. To the point that many young people will continue to be driven to the point of depression and suicide because of it.
If you believe homosexuality is a sin, you need to ask yourself, where does a sinner need to be? At the feet of Christ. And in the new testament, that is where you find them. If you are not gathering there as well, you need to ask yourself, do you see yourself as a sinner, too, or as someone who has somehow "achieved" righteousness? I'll give you another Spoiler: in scripture those people weren't with Christ, they were opposing him. And if you're not with Christ, what hope do you have?
*Edit: I have already had some wonderful responses to this post from friends who don't agree with my particulars, but want to pick my brain on the topic more, to help them understand better. I would love to continue the conversation. Feel free to email me at erinRwert at gmail :)*
I have something to say. Something that I have been formulating in my mind for a long time, and something that needs to be said.
I support Gay Marriage. I support the right for two homosexual men or women to receive legal rights because of their commitment to one another to be a family, and to publicly announce their love and commitment to the other.
I also believe homosexuality is a sin.
To my gay, lesbian, transexual friends, and strong supporters:
Please understand and respect that I don't personally support this lifestyle. I genuinely believe a homosexual lifestyle- that is one spent in a romantic relationship with someone of the same gender- is not a way God originally designed us. I believe in the Garden of Eden, before sin was introduced into our world and into our nature, there was no homosexuality. I believe that after the fall, homosexuality, along with thousands, millions (who's keeping count?) of sins, was introduced. I believe it is a warped, perverted part of our nature and of our sexuality. In the same way that I think anyone who sleeps with multiple partners outside of a committed marriage, has a polygamous marriage (and yes, I'm aware people in the bible did this, and God frowned upon it), etc. is experiencing a perverted version of sexuality. I use perverted in it's traditional definition "having been distorted from it's original course". In the same way that everything has been distorted after the fall, our sexuality has been, too. I also believe our sexual distortion is no different than any of our other distortions. Our world has a perverted or distorted idea of beauty and worth. Our world has a perverted or distorted view of success and happiness. Sin is sin, and God views it all the same.
I need you to respect and honor my right to hold this belief. But also know that I understand this is not a belief that you should be expected to hold; it's a belief and a practice that can only be carried out if you feel the conviction to submit to my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, and accept His gospel and Word as truth. And if you don't accept that, then his priority is not your sexual actions; it's your heart and eternal soul he's after. He will address all your sins, including your sexual ones, in his timing. You don't have to feel the conviction to change that behavior to become a Christian, just like I didn't have to feel the conviction to stop gossiping, or to stop having a short temper, or to stop thinking of myself more than others to become a Christian; they are all things that God is slowly working on in my heart in his good timing.
Please understand that me calling your lifestyle choice a sin is not an insult, a slam, a way for me to look down on you with disdain; I look at you no differently than I look at myself- someone deeply in need of the Grace and Love of Christ. I also have a nature and a life full of sin. It might seem insulting to you to call something a sin, but for me it is liberating; I feel free to name my sins because I know they are all forgiven in the Cross. And I know it doesn't feel like a sin, but simply a part of your nature. My pride, temper, and selfishness are also a part of my nature. My sinful nature, and God is doing his best to rid me of them as I desperately cling on (to them, and to Him).
While I believe your homosexuality is a sin, I don't necessarily believe it's God's first priority to fix that sin. God is dealing with a slew of broken vessels. And the beautiful thing about him is that his grace still works in and through these broken vessels. And, ultimately, Christ covers ALL sins, even the ones we may not recognize, as long as we recognize our need for Christ.
To my Christian friends:
It's time to accept something. We cannot, do not, must not try to control the state of the world. We cannot force a moral code or view onto others. We are not called to force the world to be "right", we are called to love others, and to share the gospel. What you are doing by denying homosexuals the right to marry is trying to force the country under a law that only supports the moral code recognized by (the majority of) Christians. But we are not a Christian country. We are a free country. Yes, our founding fathers were Christians- running from a country restricting their freedom to practice as they believed was right. Our constitution is not Christian. It supports freedom- yours to live and practice Christianity and your Christian beliefs, and every other religion or non-religion to practice theirs.
Also, homosexuality, particularly homosexuals in a committed, loving relationship and wanting to publicly declare that sentiment to the world, is NOT our biggest threat or enemy. If we were going to rank sins by gravity (which we really shouldn't, because all are equal in the eyes of the Lord), this is much more of a surface sin. At least this retains some glimmer of the image of God (relational, loving), even if it is a distorted one (man is not good alone, man and woman together complete the image of God, not man and man or woman and woman). There are many "worse" sins that retain little to no essence of the image of God- murder, abusing people physically and verbally, Sadism, etc.
The real issue you are afraid of is the loss of understanding, respect, and honor to sexuality in our society. The real "war" we need to be fighting is the lie that "Sex doesn't matter", "Sex doesn't mean anything", "It's just sex", etc. This is the root of many deeper, worse problems in our society. (This is not a new sin, it's all over the bible, as is homosexuality; our world, contrary to popular belief, is not "worse" than it once was; we have always been a bunch of sinners surviving and learning to live in the grace of God, and slowly being change to be more like Him.) Homosexuality is just a symptom, a side or surface fruit of much deeper problem. Sexuality has been perverted, yes, but denying gay marriage is not going to change that. It's not going to somehow "save" the country or our world. In fact, denying gay marriage is going to do nothing positive.
Let's review what it will do:
- Allow many people to live under the false presumption that things are okay, that they fixed/solved/stopped some solvable problem, when it really runs deep in ALL of us and manifests itself in many different way (we are all living a perverted life in some way, and we all need the cleansing blood of Christ and the power of the Spirit to change us)
- Allow people to live under the false idea that they have some control over the world and sin. Spoilers: we don't.
- Continue to show a face of hatred to many people deeply needing the love of Christ in their life. To the point that many young people will continue to be driven to the point of depression and suicide because of it.
If you believe homosexuality is a sin, you need to ask yourself, where does a sinner need to be? At the feet of Christ. And in the new testament, that is where you find them. If you are not gathering there as well, you need to ask yourself, do you see yourself as a sinner, too, or as someone who has somehow "achieved" righteousness? I'll give you another Spoiler: in scripture those people weren't with Christ, they were opposing him. And if you're not with Christ, what hope do you have?
*Edit: I have already had some wonderful responses to this post from friends who don't agree with my particulars, but want to pick my brain on the topic more, to help them understand better. I would love to continue the conversation. Feel free to email me at erinRwert at gmail :)*
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